If, Then, Else. Or not.

For a couple of weeks now, The Kid She Who Will Put Us In A Home has been crossing her fingers every time she tried to use her cell phone. The phone's been on its last legs for a while, a victim of its own success. She Who Will Put Us In A Home uses it like FOX 'News' uses the phrase "Death Panels." The paint is gone from half a dozen letters on QWERTY keypad and from two or three buttons on the phone's face, the slider is showing signs of metal fatigue like you'd see on the wings of a 747 after a barrel roll and its battery holds a charge about as well as a very large man with very buttery fingers holds a very tiny screw.

The phone finally died yesterday evening.

Anticipating this, I'd sent She Who Will Put Us In A Home an email the other day listing a few of the better-rated phones available under our carrier's (Rhymes With Bint) plan and told her she could pick one and I'd order it.

I logged on to my carrier's website to place the order. When I got to the checkout page, there wasn't an option to change the shipping address. She Who Will Put Us In A Home is in college now (he said, beaming with pride) and it only makes perfect sense to ship it to where she is, rather than have Rhymes With Bint ship it here and have me ship it there. (Have I mentioned that her phone no longer works?)

I clicked on the button to talk to a live customer service person. Jessica immediately sprang to life in a pop-up window. The pertinent portions of our conversation are transcribed below (Rhymes With Bint helpfully includes an "email a transcript" button with its live chats).

JESSICA: Thank you for visiting Rhymes With Bint. What questions can I answer for you today?

ME: I am ordering a phone to replace the one my daughter is using. I would like to have it shipped directly to her at college but I do not seem to have that option. Am I able to ship to an address other than my home?

JESSICA: You will have the option 'shipping at different address' on the Final Checkout page. Do you see 'Shipping at different address' option on your current page?

ME: No, that's not an option.

[JESSICA asks me whether or not I can see a number of other things on the page, all of which I can. Then she asks me what the 'total charges' are and which phone I ordered.]

JESSICA: To confirm your eligibility for an upgrade, may I please have your billing ZIP code and the telephone number of the device you would like to upgrade? If you would like to check your upgrade eligibility status in the future, you can visit www.Rhymes With Bint.com/upgrades.

ME: I already know I'm eligible... zip is XXXXX. Number being upgraded is xxx-xxx-xxxx. My login page tells me that that number is eligible for upgrade.

JESSICA: You are eligible to receive a $25 instant rebate with a one-year contract extension and a $75 instant rebate with a two-year contract extension. When you upgrade your device online today, we will waive the $18 upgrade fee as well as the shipping and handling charges.

ME: Yes, I know that. And that's all in the billing details. But my problem is that I want to ship the phone to my daughter at college. How do I change the shipping address? *That* is the question.

JESSICA: As you don't find the option 'shipping at different address' on your Final checkout page, you cannot get it shipped at your desired address.

JESSICA: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

"Anything else"?

In retrospect, I think I may have missed an opportunity to ask them if they could also not do some other thing they already don't do, if only to have them tell me again about something I already know.