September 3, 2010

Michael Lohan Talks To God.

NEWS ITEM: Lindsay Lohan's father Michael claims God told him to build a rehab center.

I can only imagine that it went down very much like Bill Cosby's "Noah" routine.

GOD: Lohan!

LOHAN: Somebody call?

GOD: Lohan!

LOHAN: Who is that?

GOD: It's the Lord, Lohan.

LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Where are ya? What you want? I've been good.

GOD: I want you to build a rehab center.

LOHAN: Riiiiiight! What's in it for me?

GOD: Get someone to put up three times as much money as you'll need. Build it 300 meters by 80 meters by 40 meters.

LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Whats a meter?

GOD: You don't know what a meter is? Oh, yeah, I forgot - only America and Burma don't use the metric system anymore. Don't worry about it for now, Lohan. You can google it later. When you get it done, go out into the world and collect all of the rubes and halfwits you can get your hands on - male and female - and put them into the rehab center.

LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Who is this, really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?

GOD: I'm going to destroy the world.

LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Am I on Candid Camera?

GOD: No, but there might be a reality series in it for you.


July 23, 2010

Maybe that's where he keeps his briefs.

Today on the CBC News website:

"The Supreme Court of Canada has upheld $5,000 in damages against British Columbia for breaching the charter rights of a Vancouver lawyer strip-searched by police who wrongly thought he was going to throw a pie at [then-Prime Minister] Jean Chr├ętien."

It's a fascinating story and a great example of what happens when the police get overstimulated. But one question is left unanswered:

Even if the cops legitimately thought that the counsel for the defense had been planning to throw a pie, what, exactly, did they think he was hiding up his ass that they had to strip-search him - a rolling pin?

July 18, 2010

How else may I provide excellent customer service to you today?

Highlights of my recent chat with a representative of Sprint's Online Customer Service:

6:11:00 PM : [SPRINT] Connected to

6:11:00 PM : [SPRINT] Session ID: 582726


6:12:26 PM : [SPRINT] Thank you for contacting Sprint. My name is ********.

6:12:57 PM : [ME]: Hi ********. I need to cancel service on two of my lines.


6:16:42 PM : [SPRINT]: May I know which lines to be canceled?

6:17:10 PM : [ME]: XXX-XXXX and XXX-XXXX.


6:29:25 PM : [SPRINT]: You can easily cancel the lines/account by calling Account Service Department at -(888) 211-4727

6:29:56 PM : [ME]: Okay - so I still have to call the account service dept?

6:30:08 PM : [SPRINT]: Yes.

6:30:45 PM : [SPRINT]: The services are canceled by the account service department.

I thought places like this paid bonuses on how quickly they got people off the line?