NEWS ITEM: Lindsay Lohan's father Michael claims God told him to build a rehab center.
I can only imagine that it went down very much like Bill Cosby's "Noah" routine.
GOD: Lohan!
LOHAN: Somebody call?
GOD: Lohan!
LOHAN: Who is that?
GOD: It's the Lord, Lohan.
LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Where are ya? What you want? I've been good.
GOD: I want you to build a rehab center.
LOHAN: Riiiiiight! What's in it for me?
GOD: Get someone to put up three times as much money as you'll need. Build it 300 meters by 80 meters by 40 meters.
LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Whats a meter?
GOD: You don't know what a meter is? Oh, yeah, I forgot - only America and Burma don't use the metric system anymore. Don't worry about it for now, Lohan. You can google it later. When you get it done, go out into the world and collect all of the rubes and halfwits you can get your hands on - male and female - and put them into the rehab center.
LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Who is this, really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?
GOD: I'm going to destroy the world.
LOHAN: Riiiiiight! Am I on Candid Camera?
GOD: No, but there might be a reality series in it for you.
LOHAN: ALLLLLLLLL-Riiiiiight!
Showing posts with label blasphemy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blasphemy. Show all posts
September 3, 2010
November 1, 2009
We're gonna need a bigger Gitmo.
An article by Walter Pincus in The Washington Post says that the FBI told the Senate Judiciary Committee in September that its terrorist watch list contains over four hundred thousand "unique names".
They say "anti-terrorism," I say "paranoid much?"
They're adding about 1,600 names a day to the list, for crying out loud. (For comparison, an FBI agent who served on a CIA–FBI task force hunting bin Laden has said that al Qaeda's membership list in 2001 contained 198 names.)
Four hundred thousand potential terrorists in the USA? Come on. You're telling me that America has twice as many potential terrorists as it does Army Reservists?
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, you wouldn't be able to find diesel fuel or fertilizer anywhere.
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, there would be explosions in airplanes, subways, shopping malls, airports and football stadiums every day of the week.
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, they'd have a company health plan, a 401-K, some sort of employee day care program, and, most importantly, at least one employee stupid enough to blog about what they were up to.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go hide in my basement. Wouldn't want the terrorists to get me.
They say "anti-terrorism," I say "paranoid much?"
They're adding about 1,600 names a day to the list, for crying out loud. (For comparison, an FBI agent who served on a CIA–FBI task force hunting bin Laden has said that al Qaeda's membership list in 2001 contained 198 names.)
Four hundred thousand potential terrorists in the USA? Come on. You're telling me that America has twice as many potential terrorists as it does Army Reservists?
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, you wouldn't be able to find diesel fuel or fertilizer anywhere.
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, there would be explosions in airplanes, subways, shopping malls, airports and football stadiums every day of the week.
If there were 400,000 potential terrorists within the United States, they'd have a company health plan, a 401-K, some sort of employee day care program, and, most importantly, at least one employee stupid enough to blog about what they were up to.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go hide in my basement. Wouldn't want the terrorists to get me.
July 28, 2009
Birther Control.
It strikes me as ironic that the very people so certain that Barack Obama is not fit to be President because he's not American are the very people you'd think would be most likely to understand his situation. The Birthers, as they're called, seem to be unanimous in their conviction that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, and they all seem to be Christians.
What does one have to do with the other?
Well, I don't know anybody who's ever seen Jesus Christ's original birth certificate, either. And the same people who dismiss Obama's birth anouncement recorded in The Honolulu Advertiser two weeks after the event and unearthed a couple of months ago seem to be somewhat more credulous about Jesus' birth anouncement, which recorded on scrolls written centuries after the event and unearthed several centuries after that.
These people who seem to think that Obama can't be President because, they think, he was really born in Kenya or Indonesia or Hawaii are the same people who are perfectly comfortable with the King of Kings being from Israel. Is there some kind of continuum where being a foreigner is acceptable for some jobs, then unacceptable, and then acceptable? Not exactly. In fact, it gets confusing in a hurry.
If Jesus were here today He'd be able to join the military, but he couldn't process your passport application. He could be a dogcatcher, but not the guy making you take off your shoes at the airport. He could be Secretary of State, but not the Vice President or the President, but He could be, apparently, the President's boss. (It might even be a requirement that the President report to a foreigner: most Americans say they wouldn't vote for an atheist. And the last President was pretty clear that he reported to Jesus, even if it seemed to many of us that it was really Dick Cheney.)
All I know is that the next time you people have an election, then for Christ's sake you'd better have your paperwork in order.
What does one have to do with the other?
Well, I don't know anybody who's ever seen Jesus Christ's original birth certificate, either. And the same people who dismiss Obama's birth anouncement recorded in The Honolulu Advertiser two weeks after the event and unearthed a couple of months ago seem to be somewhat more credulous about Jesus' birth anouncement, which recorded on scrolls written centuries after the event and unearthed several centuries after that.
These people who seem to think that Obama can't be President because, they think, he was really born in Kenya or Indonesia or Hawaii are the same people who are perfectly comfortable with the King of Kings being from Israel. Is there some kind of continuum where being a foreigner is acceptable for some jobs, then unacceptable, and then acceptable? Not exactly. In fact, it gets confusing in a hurry.
If Jesus were here today He'd be able to join the military, but he couldn't process your passport application. He could be a dogcatcher, but not the guy making you take off your shoes at the airport. He could be Secretary of State, but not the Vice President or the President, but He could be, apparently, the President's boss. (It might even be a requirement that the President report to a foreigner: most Americans say they wouldn't vote for an atheist. And the last President was pretty clear that he reported to Jesus, even if it seemed to many of us that it was really Dick Cheney.)
All I know is that the next time you people have an election, then for Christ's sake you'd better have your paperwork in order.
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