Maybe that's where he keeps his briefs.

Today on the CBC News website:

"The Supreme Court of Canada has upheld $5,000 in damages against British Columbia for breaching the charter rights of a Vancouver lawyer strip-searched by police who wrongly thought he was going to throw a pie at [then-Prime Minister] Jean Chrétien."

It's a fascinating story and a great example of what happens when the police get overstimulated. But one question is left unanswered:

Even if the cops legitimately thought that the counsel for the defense had been planning to throw a pie, what, exactly, did they think he was hiding up his ass that they had to strip-search him - a rolling pin?

How else may I provide excellent customer service to you today?

Highlights of my recent chat with a representative of Sprint's Online Customer Service:


6:11:00 PM : [SPRINT] Connected to sprint.ehosts.net

6:11:00 PM : [SPRINT] Session ID: 582726

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6:12:26 PM : [SPRINT] Thank you for contacting Sprint. My name is ********.

6:12:57 PM : [ME]: Hi ********. I need to cancel service on two of my lines.

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6:16:42 PM : [SPRINT]: May I know which lines to be canceled?

6:17:10 PM : [ME]: XXX-XXXX and XXX-XXXX.

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6:29:25 PM : [SPRINT]: You can easily cancel the lines/account by calling Account Service Department at -(888) 211-4727

6:29:56 PM : [ME]: Okay - so I still have to call the account service dept?
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6:30:08 PM : [SPRINT]: Yes.

6:30:45 PM : [SPRINT]: The services are canceled by the account service department.


I thought places like this paid bonuses on how quickly they got people off the line?

Yes, but I TYPE like Jack Kerouac.

I read an Associated Press article by Jake Coyle on the Washington Post's website about the popularity of a site called I Write Like which allows people to paste in a few paragraphs of text, compare it to a database of works by about 50 authors, and then tell them which author's style the software thinks they resemble.

Coyle writes that when others tried it out, I Write Like thought one of Mel Gibson's obscenity-laced phone tirades directed at his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva positively Margaret Atwoodian, while Margaret's writings turned out to be Steven Kingian, a distinction shared by Herman Melville.

I uploaded a few examples of my own (that's not) writing (that's typing) and got a different result every time. I write like Stephen King; I write like Charles Dickens; I write like James Joyce; I write like Kurt Vonnegut. It's good company, even if I turn out not to write anything like my homegirl Peggy Atwood. I'm relieved that none of my writing samples came back - as other people's have - with the alarming words, "You write like Dan Brown."

It could have been worse: "You write like the guy in your legal department who drafted the boilerplate Master Software Development Agreement With Intellectual Property Rights."

Shadows.

Originally uploaded by Brian Bjolin

Last weekend, near Dundas St. W and Chestnut St., Toronto.

In Which I Welcome Myself Home.

It's my first Canada Day at home in eight years. It seems only appropriate that I might enumerate a few of the many, many, many things that make me glad to be back.

So, without further ado...

Top Ten Reasons I Moved Back To Canada:

10: It snows 362 days a year in Canada.
9: The only occasion one ever has to think about Sarah Palin is to fill space in some stupid list.
8: Overwhelmed by the irreconcilable incongruity of America: so many cops, so few Tim Hortons.
7: Canada's late-night tv host wars were settled long ago. All hail George Strombopolous!
6: Don Cherry on Hockey Night In Canada is a much more reliable source of bizarre outfits than peopleofwalmart.com.
5: Having successfully ousted President Bush, I must now do the same to Prime Minister Harper.
4: I will need medical care in 10-20 years, so I am getting in line now.
3: On Canadian tv, they show boobies [note to self: get a tv].
2: I received an email from HM Queen Elizabeth II promising me cash if I helped her with a certain banking transaction.
1: It's my home and native land, yo.